Monday, August 19, 2013

Grace Under Pressure

          I have to begin with the admission that I know I'm a horrible blogger. I have a sister who is wonderful at it. She is consistent and always relevant. That is not me. I do it when I think about it or God is sharing something with me that I feel strongly He wants to share with some one else. Today would be one of those days.

           Let me start with by saying that Mick and I never thought that we would be able to have children. We went through a battery of testing when we were first married and were told that the possibility was not very high for us to ever have our own children. We were amazed and completely blessed that we have three children now. In April we had decided that we were really wanting a fourth. We felt strongly that #4 was in our future. We had started checking for ovulation and we wanted to go for it after my yearly check up. Those  plans were thrown to a complete stop. Dr. Tadvick was not happy at all I had gained ALOT of weight, my blood pressure was high and my blood sugars were less than stellar.  He said that he really wanted me to wait until I had lost 60 pounds and gotten healthy.  I agreed and off we went on a trip to Dallas that we had planned for the kids. 
    
            On the last day of our trip our oldest, Emma, put her hand over my tummy and said, "Mommy has a baby in there!" Mick and I both laughed and really didn't think much of it. On the way home I started thinking about it and thought ...What if?  So when we got home and unpacked I took a test. What do you know.... I WAS PREGNANT!! We were surprised and scared all at the same time. Dr. Tadvick wasvery adamant     that I would not have an easy time if we went ahead and got pregnant.  I called his office and he scheduled a blood test. The next day I got a call from him saying, "Well it is for sure..." I started crying and he was so sweet and prayed with me and told me, "We will make this one the best yet..."   I started insulin again and we went on to lose weight. Of first appointment cam and we had a great sonogram. Everything looked great and we were given a due date of December 27th. Excited now and feeling confident in everything being OK we began planning. Looking to buy a house get a car.... We were one our way... not quite the timing that we had thought but we were already in love with this child and couldn't wait to meet him or her. 

              My second appointment was on July 7th. I went alone. I mean this was our fourth and we knew what to expect.  I was called into the back and weighed and had my blood pressure...everything was looking better already. Then I went back into room #4  I laid on the the bed and the nurse put the doppler on my tummy. I wasn't too worried when she couldn't find the tiny heart beat. I was just 15 weeks and because I was so over weight it didn't surprise me. She left and got Dr. Tadvick and he started a sonogram.  We talked freely about what was going on in the family and how we were doing and then the conversation began to lull... The sonogram was taking quiet a while. He kept leaning across me making the picture larger and larger... He then began to talk to himself..."Lets do an internal sonogram.." He had a nurse come in and began the internal sonogram.  It seemed like an eternity. I knew. I knew I knew I knew... I had started praying... Tears running down my face. I knew.  "Keri I have really bad news. You've lost the baby."
......The words rang in my ears like symbols and I got a charlie horse in my stomach.  I stood straight up with the a sheet around my waist. My head was spinning. I wanted to throw up, but this was Dr. Tadvick and I couldn't just barf in the floor.  He had me get dressed and told me that I could  wait as long as needed and that he thought it would be best if  I called Mick and had him come in. Mick came immediately and met me out in the foyer.  We went up to the office and they took us straight back into a room. I sat in floor a huddle mass. Mick leaning over me and when Dr. Tadvick came in he surrounded us both. He talked to Mick about options and what eh felt we should do, but I honestly heard nothing. He loved on us and we went home.  I felt numb. We went to Mom and Dad's and fell into her arms.  She sat me down and started telling me about how God still had us. She quoted scripture and  shared her heart with me.  All I could think though was that He had dropped me. That is all that I could think... 

           Mom prayed for us and we went home and told Emma that our baby was gone. She surprised me by weeping uncontrollably.  I went to bed that night hoping that I would not wake up the next day.  But God did something that night. He began healing me even then. The next morning Dr. Tadvick's nurse called me and told me that a DNC had been planned after a confirmation sonogram at the hospital.  The next morning we went to the hospital for the sonogram confirming what we already knew and walked across to Tadvick's office and sat in a room waiting... I sat down and as soon as I sat down I felt like the world was gong to come out of my mouth. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Dr. Tadvick and Mick were in the room when I came back. He discussed the procedure with us, but I couldn't tell you one word he said.... Then I felt his hand on my leg and realised that he was saying me name. He was asking me if this is what I wanted. But I knew that it didn't matter. I had been carrying my baby dead for almost four weeks and could not bare to let it just a happen. There was also the issue of bleeding out and we lived 20 minutes from  the hospital. Not to mention that there would be no one around me that could help because Mick worked 45 minutes away. Dr. Tadvick prayed over us and sent us over to the hospital again. 

            We walked through a little garden area between the two buildings and Mick talked about how pretty it was. I remember looking at the fountain there and being overcome with peace. We walked into the foyer and checked in. While standing there our pediatrician was walking through and saw us. He came over and loved on us and emotion covered me like waves on a beach. I began to weep and the receptionist began to weep. She came out from behind the counter and hugged on us both. She told me that what ever we needed she would help us. All of the sudden we were overcome by a very real awareness of God's grace.  We were taken straight back to the pre-surgical area. As we went through the pre-surgery process and testing we asked one of the nurses if there was a chance that we could get the remains of our baby. Stopped where she was at and said "No one has ever asked me that before. Let me make some calls and I will take care of everything." We were taken up to the surgical floor and the nurse that met us there told us starting off  "I am so sorry you have to be here today."  The nurse from down stairs came up. She told us that she had arranged everything for our precious baby and that we would be given the remains. She started to leave and then turned around and sat down on the edge of my bed.  She began to cry and held my hand. "Do you know what it means to me that you want this baby? You are honoring him and validating him." She then began to tell me that when she was a little girl her mother had miscarried twice. She was so heart broken that these babies had just simply disappeared. She was showing us even before we realised that this baby was serving a purpose and that God was already using his precious little life regardless of how brief it was.

            An IV was started and our pastor came up to be with Mick while I was in surgery.  From that point on I really don't remember a lot. The only thing I do remember is moving over to the operating table and having the mask put on my face and beginning to realise this was real. This is happening.  I began to whisper Jesus as I drifted off... The next thing that I remember was a precious nurse from our church over me and praying for me. I was not even aware of it but I had begun to weep and call out for my baby. I wept for about 45 minutes, but then it was just over.  I was taken to the next recovery area and was met by our nurse Sarah. I will always remember. She sat down and cried with us and shared with us that she had lost twins when she was younger. When the lab called from the pathologist office she was surprised  that they were bringing the remains up. She then shared that she had often wished that she had been able to do the same for her babies, but the option was not given to her.   We received a little box from the labor and deliver department. When  I looked through it I found the most precious things and I felt the love of an amazing father who loves us so very much. I was amazed at the out pouring of love from a small group of women whom I had never even met. Talk about feeling the love of a Daddy that I could call tangible. It was amazing how as the day went on we were just covered in love and the Lord was not just ministering to us but was ministering to others through us and the way that we were dealing with this.

         Was it possible that He was already making beauty from ashes. He was already pouring into us and allowing opportunity  for us to pour into others? How could this be? Shouldn't this be like the worst day of my life and yet I actually was feeling a joy. I was actually able to rejoice. Not in the situation, but in the grace that He was pouring over us. He was covering us and without us even knowing it, He was moving us into a new place that we had never been before. Our day ended in joy and an awareness of the presence of Christ that we had never known before.  How precious is was His grace and how perfect was His love? We had felt something that even now is with us and we are able to share it with others. 

         In closing, Job has always been a book that I have always wrestled with. How could he be so very loyal and God still allow Satan to put him through what he did?  Job 13:15 means more to me now than it ever did....

          " 15 [I do it because, though He slay me, yet will I wait for and trust Him and] behold, He will slay me; I have no hope—nevertheless, I will maintain and argue my ways before Him and even to His face."

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