For a while this issue was as struggle for me. I was so afraid that the opurtunity had eaither comletely passed me by in my sin or that I wouod miss it when it came. Some how I had equated noteriety with destiny... They are not the same for those of you struggling with the same thing. It was crazy when it dawned on me that I was living my destiny. I was in the shower(one of the few places that I actually have some allone time) and I was praying. Heck I was crying out. I felt useless and lacking in every way. then the Lord began to show me faces of people that had recently been at my table or on my coouch. Each one had some kind of issue or question or simply needed someone to listen to them.
He simply told me,"darlin you're living it!!!" I couldn't believe it. For some reason I thought when He showed me His lan for my destiny , I would be knocked out cold and that people would look at me as marked for purpose. It wasn't that at all... instead it wasn't me that they were seeing ...IT WAS HIM!!!!!!!!! What JOY!!! When I realized that very point it was all I could do to stand. That people could see Him in me????......... How could this be? I mean I know me and I know that the rough vanier is still very present. I constantly struggle with self worth, my weight, my attitude towards my children, my my my my.... I could go on for quite a while. But that was the point.
He had choosen to show what mercy looks like. I had always old my Dad that God even used an ass because he was difficult most of the time...What I dinlt realize was that I would be the ass He used. I don't hide the struggles. I don't hide the pain...What's the point? Everything done in darkness is some how brought to light. I found myself being scary real with poeple and found that real is what they needed. in spite of all my short comimngs I love Jesus and I know and realize that His rightousness makes me rightous!! For such a long time I had struggled with the whole thing about trying to be worthy and all the time He was rollinh His eyes loving me where I was. I never understood that until my three year old was talking to me.
Emma is my first born. She was the beginning of our miracle of having a family. She is full of spunk and energy. She will be 4 at the end of the month and is a delight and stinker all at the same time. She loves to be sung to and to sing. (Tone deaf as she may be...I am still holding out hope) One of her favorite songs is "Jesus Loves Me". One night we were going through the same every night tasks of getting everyone in bed and doing our singing... When I got to the place of Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so...She began to say in excitement...."Mommy My Jesus loves me...He really really loves me!!!" I was stunned...For the very first time in my life I realized..MY Jesus Loves me! It wasn't just words anymore. It wasn't just a simple child's song anymore....MY JESUS LOVES ME!!!
I was overwhelmed and began to cry. What in the world. Why had I never looked at it that way before. I was overjoyed that at this tender age Emma had already grasped the concept of His love for her and yet her 40 year old mother was just now seeing it for the firt time in such a real way!
What would happen if every one understood His love for them in such a matter of fact way that He is Their Jesus and that He loves them and desires such a close relationship that we seem Him as ours? Then it all began to make even more since. The ones who have been in and out of my life never came or went without knowing one thing....That I love Jesus. That I believe that there is no issue that is beyond Him. I have sat on the couch with friends as they told me that I didn't understand and that their marriage was over. The look on their faces when I would tell them that it still wasn't too late that He could still heal their relationship... I knew this because we have been through Hell as a couple. and here we are by His grace. I cried with others sisters in faith as they wet at the fact that family members were told that they would die and I would tell them it didn't have to be that way... I knew because we have been there.... Wow and they all still knew me as the girl who says crap and on occasions even says shit. They all know me as the girl who partied like a rock star and still likes to throw one back every once in a while.. They know me. they know that I have struggled and struggle every day and still here I am raising "MY JESUS"....