Am I Ready

I have been working on a blog post for over a week now and every time I think that I am ready to post it something has happened. Some thing has been wrong with it every time that I have read over it and then I found out why. When I went to church  Sunday before last our sermon was about " New Wine Skin" . The reference is  (and I am using the God's Word translation... I loved how it worded this)

Matthew 9:16-17:

¹⁶ “No one patches an old coat with a new piece of cloth that will shrink. When the patch shrinks, it will rip away from the coat, and the tear will become worse. ¹⁷ Nor do people pour new wine into old wine skins. If they do, the skins burst, the wine runs out, and the skins are ruined. Rather, people pour new wine into fresh skins, and both are saved.”

As I sat  listening to the sermon it was like everything that Pastor Scott was saying, he was saying straight to  me. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that I would be at this point in my life. I never thought that  I would come to the point in my life when I was willing to say "What ever the cost." "What ever I have to loose or give up. His presence is worth it all!!"  I can not even explain how I feel about this because it more than a feeling. It is who I am called to be. This is my destiny. This is what everything that I have been through and fought from is about. It is everything that you too have been through and fought from. 

We are called to be more than the sum of ourselves. We are called to be the sum of Christ to the world.  We do not have the the luxury of offense or or hurt feelings.

 I am in no way a "Dooms Day seeker" I do not look forward to the fall of our nation or judgement. I know what well all deserve...DEATH, but I do feel that there is stirring in the body of Christ. God is wanting to do something new in me... In us. In order for Him to do that we have seriously got to get over our selves. 

 

I don't care what religion that you may have been fully steeped in. We cannot be about the religion. We must be about the Father. He is not about your music being loud or conventional, whether you Dance or stand. He is about "HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME?" I hear Him now asking me and many that I know..."Do you love me enough to let go of it all? Do you value my presence enough to forsake everything?" 

 It is scary, crazy, and wonderful place. To stand on the verge of something that you know is perfection to the greatest of value, yet look back over your shoulder at what it may cost you.  Even now just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. I want Him to be everything and just something in my life. I know that if I can get to that place where I am willing to say, "No matter the cost...I have to be in your presence.." I know that's the place that He wants me to be. I know that is the place He wants you to be. In His presence.

Fast forward now to this last Sunday... The sermon was "Check Your Oil"....The reference being  Matthew 25... 

The story of the ten virgins, one that we all know, the points are simple:

• Jesus: He is our bridegroom
• The Lamps: our capacity of ministry
• Our calling to be the light in the darkness

These are all key points that we have all heard before , but wait there is more... The virgins that were not prepared had settled. They had settled to "just get bye"....That is what so many of us are doing we are settling and God has called us to a higher calling as His people. We are to be a people of excellence. That same spirit of mediocrity led the Israelites into a kingship that brought with it such a price, yet the people could not see past their own noses. Samuel warned them that if God gave them what they wanted what would happen....(1 Samuel 8:10-18, the massage)

 ^10-18 So Samuel told them, delivered God's warning to the people who were asking him to give them a king. He said, "This is the way the kind of king you're talking about operates. He'll take your sons and make soldiers of them—chariotry, cavalry, infantry, regimented in battalions and squadrons. He'll put some to forced labor on his farms, plowing and harvesting, and others to making either weapons of war or chariots in which he can ride in luxury. He'll put your daughters to work as beauticians and waitresses and cooks. He'll conscript your best fields, vineyards, and orchards and hand them over to his special friends. He'll tax your harvests and vintage to support his extensive bureaucracy. Your prize workers and best animals he'll take for his own use. He'll lay a tax on your flocks and you'll end up no better than slaves. The day will come when you will cry in desperation because of this king you so much want for yourselves. But don't expect God to answer." 

 Sweet Lord He gave them what they wanted and what He told them would happen did!  

When I read that I couldn't help but think that we have done the same thing. We have been so tied up in not hurting feelings that the distinction between us and the rest of the world is a very thin line that is quickly fading. That is not who we are called to be. We are called to be more. Which brings me back to that place teetering on the edge of the canyon. Looking over my shoulder. 

What have I to loose that He would not and could not restore a  million times over with more glory than I have ever dreamt of? What have I gained through the almost 40 years that I have been on this planet that is worth a second in His presence?  What is in my life that I have simply settled for instead of gone after the best and pursued the excellence that he is calling me to? Well....(now for some of you this may get personal and I may lose you here if I haven't already)...

1. My weight and the lack of a healthy lifestyle. My children are watching as well as everyone else and I am choosing to eat myself into an early grave...  IT MUST CHANGE.
2. running from responsibility of leadership. Too much has been poured into me for me to continue running from leadership. regardless of what that may look like. 
3. Commitment to others. It is so easy to say that we are so busy with our families that we don't have time,  but the truth is that we have time for what ever we prioritize.

There is too much at risk for all of us to not  start asking ourselves and the Lord what He desires from us and in us. Whatever the cost. He will not come for a bride that is kind of ready or sort of committed. He is coming for the bride of His dreams. the one who is in total abandoned love with Him. The bride that can't see her life any other way than in His presence and at His feet.

What is My Shade?

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—

    for your love is more delightful than wine.

³ 

Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;

    your name is like perfume poured out.

    No wonder the young women love you!

⁴ 

Take me away with you—let us hurry!

    Let the king bring me into his chambers.

(No this is not from an erotic novel that seems to be working the women of America into a frenzy.  It is actually a portion of the first chapter of the Song of Solomon.)

When Magic Mike I will be honest... I thought "HOLY MOLY!!! WOW!!"  Then very quickly the Holy Spirit checked me. Then I began to hear about this whole "Shades of Grey" thing... I mean who couldn't use a little spice in their lives ...right? I mean right?... Oh how quickly the Lord began to speak to me.  I have read a lot of blogs about difent people's takes on it but hear is what I heard the Lord say about it...

 "He went on: "It's what comes out of a person that pollutes: obscenities, lusts, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, depravity, deceptive dealings, carousing, mean looks, slander, arrogance, foolishness—all these are vomit from the heart. There is the source of your pollution."

                                                                                                               Mark 7:20-23


When I read this I immediatley thought of my house on the worst day....With two toddlers and an infant my house (with less than 4 years between the oldest and youngest). My house is always in some state of crazy...Would I like it if Christ showed up today unannounced?  Would I be proud of what he saw all over or would the trash be over flowing and the dishes fill the sink? Or would He see that my house may be a mess but babies are happy and they are learning to love Him? Do I allow good and healthy things in my life thus in my house or do I let the trash pour in? 

We as Christians forget all too fast that we are in the world and not of it. Just because my neighbors does it doesn't mean that it is OK for me.  You Paul kind of addressed this. When he said in Corinthians...

 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.

                                                                                                            I Corinthians10:23

 You know because we have experienced such tremendous grace and freedom through Christ, I could go and see those hard bodies rotate around for our entertainment, but what would it gain me? I could read the super hot lusty novel that is hitting the top ten all over the country,but what  would it gain me?  

Another way I look at it is how would I feel if me husband was looking at Playboy and hitting the stripe clubs? Would I be like, "Sure babe that works for me!....Hey maybe if you read an erotic novel our intimacy would be better, or maybe if you look a few more naked women you will view my body more as a temple..." I don't think I would and I doubt most women would be. I think that I would feel like I was lacking. I would feel like some how I did not fill his desires and that some how I didn't measure up. Is that what we want to tell the men in our lives? That they don't measure up?  No! and I mean NO!!

I want my husband to feel like he meets all my needs whether that is in our bedroom or if that is in the everyday life that we share. I want him to know, that I did not settle...I chose!! I did not choose him because of a hot body or his ability to know every Karma Sutra  position...I chose him because he is faithful, he is witty, he is smart, he is considerate, he is compassionate, he is the man I could see being a good father to my future children and he was the one I loved and most importantly...he loved me the way that I deserved to be loved. He placed me and my happiness above his own wants and desires. That my friends is the reason that you marry a man...looks fade and yes hair will be lost at some point, but his love is faithful to me. 

Everything

Ten years ago in June I met Mick, my husband, online. I was sitting in a computer bong with 75-100 other people in CheongJu south Korea and responded to a message that he had sent me. That night we called each other and I remember thinking, "WOW!!!This man could change my life."  I had no idea just how true that was. We spent the rest of my contract in Korea talking on the phone and having messenger meetings. It was decided that I would go to see him when my contract was up. I had been in Korea 15 months when I met him. This at the school that I was st were less than happy. I had gone to teach English and just about everything that had been promised to me was false. Although I struggled with the situation, I still loved many of the people that I had met there and when asked if I would stay another year, I stupidly said yes.  I waited almost three months for a second contract to be drawn up but it never came. I found out that what they were doing was delaying the contract so that they could legally get more time form me without paying and being responsible for a visa renewal. these are important things when teaching in a foreign country ( for those of you thinking about it) ( contact me I have some great resources for you!) as things began to unravel at the school Mick and I really began to care a lot for each other. he finally told me that he thought I should get out of the situation any way that I could. I finally told the head master that I was leaving. They could either provide the ticket home that had been promised or I could go to the authorities with everything that I knew.  a ticket was purchased.... 

First time we met 2002

   Mick and I had decided that I would fly to meet him in person. I arrived in the states in late September and in November I flew out to see him. As long as I live i will never forget the grin on his face the first time that he saw me in the flesh.  At that time I had no idea what he had already sacrificed for me. You see when I met Mick he was a forklift driver for a builders merchant. He didn't make a lot of money but it was enough for him.  He scrimped and saved until he was able to get a ticket for me to come see him. He went without for months so that he could show me a good time while I was there. Nothing was too much to ask... 

Our wedding February 2004

Our time together in England solidified the feelings that we had and he asked me to marry him. He had yet again done without until he could scrap together the money to take me to Blackpool. There he asked me to marry him....while I was soaking my feet!  I came home in December and we began the process of getting him here. For those of  you who don't know... Our immigration process for this country is an absolute JOKE!! It cost us thousands of dollars in immigration fees and travel just to  get a fiancee visa. Honestly the subject of immigration is a whole other blog entry!

When Mick came here to be with me he left his Mother whom he ate at least one meal a day with, His sister, whom he had a very tight relationship with, and some absolutely  salt of the earth friends. He sold and gave away EVERYTHING that he had. EVERYTHING!!!!! Packed everything that would fit in one suitcase and left. He left not knowing when and if he would ever see his family and friends again. He left not knowing what his future would be in Texas, He left everything that he had ever worked for and came here. To me. For me. He gave up everything that he had on the chance that I would love him and that we could make it.  other than the love of the Father, I have never known such love and commitment.

Camping with the little Honda that could

2007

Yes it has been hard. We have struggled to keep our heads above water from the beginning. Yes we have had to settle for less than in our monetary lives, but if we could only measure the things that we are rich in, the value would be priceless. When we were first married we loved just packing the car a taking off. As long as we had a tent we were good!  We knew how to have a good time with some lunch meat, butter, and bread. We didn't have much but we had each other. We now have three absolutely glorious, beautiful, and lovely children. We have jobs( 18 months of the first of our marriage we were both jobless!) We have each other!!! we still love each other!!! We have watched friends of ours who have had so very much more from a finical standard  fall apart, but we have stayed together through thick and thin. 

I am amazed at the Man I met 10 years ago and the one who walks through my door every evening. I see what God has done and what he is doing. Words escape me. The goodness of God is more than I can fathom!! I watch Emma wrap her legs around her Daddy in utter joy when he comes home from work and think "WOW!!God your awesome!!"  How He was able to weave the two of us together blows my mind!!  Had I been where I am now it would have never worked. I would have never answered a message from a stranger. Had my life not been in ashes, I would have never met this man. God dose indeed give beauty for ashes!!!

                                                   

Choices Choices Choices

I am sure that we all have someone in our lives that tests us and moves us to emotions and frustrations that make us almost loose our minds. Lately I have had many and the Lord has once again used them and their "situations" to teach me. It is a lesson that I am still learning. It seems that I have many times "given" them over to the Lord or "forgiven" them only to feel that sickness in my stomach every time I think of them.  I would say out loud, "Lord I give this situation to you. It's yours. I know that I can do nothing about it. I know that only you can change hearts and minds. Only you can make new what the enemy has devastated." Then 20 seconds after doing that, I have picked it right back up again. How do you let go? How do you make the CHOICE to let go?! 


As I began to look for scriptures and teachings about forgiveness I ran across an idea that I had never entertained before. The concept that I was feeling rejection rather than anger or a sense of being betrayed. Many times the actual cause of my personal frustration was and is in fact that I feel rejected. Every time I usually run into one of these situations the root of what I feel is rejection. Mind you, this has taken me quite a while to accept. I have battled with rejection my whole life at one time or another. I really thought that I was OVER the whole rejection thing. When I was looking up scriptures on this I found a wonderful quote by Beth Moore. (One of my very favorites!)

"The next time you feel rejection's sting, remember God's word to Samuel: "It is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me." (Samuel 8:7)

-Beth Moore

When I read that it was almost as if a light switch had gone on in my mind and heart. In practically all of these cases that I have been hurt, frustrated, left out, and yes felt rejected, it wasn't me that those people rejected. I can't even tell you what a huge burden lifted off me. That meant that I no longer had to "work" at the relationship the same way that I had. It meant instead that I could now look at all of those relationships with a perspective that actually had Christ in the place where I had been standing.  A few weeks ago our pastor, Scott Beard, gave a quote that fit so perfectly.

"Without perspective our vision is always on our circumstances"

-Scott Beard 

When I was able to look at situations with Christ my place it freed me. Instead of me being the one that arrows are flung at, it was Him. Instead lies being told about me, it's Him that they lie about. Instead of me being rejected, it's Him being rejected. That frees me up to be able to pray for those who have been spiteful. It  frees me up to let go of hurt and hate because it's not mine. I can't take ownership of it. 

WOW what freedom!!! What incredible truth and how awesome to experience the fact that the TRUTH does indeed set us free.   

The knowledge that I am actually making the CHOICE to change perspective makes it so much easier to let go and allow Him to shine His truth into my life, on my situations, and penetrate the hearts of those around me. I want my life to be a work in progress that draws men to Him and not revolt them from Him...So really when it comes down to it...Once again what it all comes down to is Him. If I chose to keep my perspective on Him, to set my face like flint.....

"Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will

not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face

like flint, and I know I will not be put to

shame."

-Isaiah 50:7

I will overcome. I will see lives truly changed. I will see the bound set free. I will see His kingdom come!

A Past to Define or to Make you

I recently began the steps to finishing my BA. As I thought about writing about that process I realized that there was more to the story than this scholastic process. I have never shared my testimony and I guess today is THE DAY....I attended Texas A&M for summer stint and thought that I would go back to actually attend full time. That was not in the cards. I instead attended a local junior college, then Hardin-Simmons University, then LeTourneau University. I loved LeTourneau! i loved it a little too much.... I hooked up with way too many people who I thought were the absolute bomb and partied my little life away. I was asked to leave LeTourneau when my GPA turned a staggering 0.069....YES you did read that right.  I was out of school  2 months shy of  2 years. I partied like a rock star made mindbogglingly poor decisions and then one day God shook me pretty good and said ENOUGH!!! I went back and struggled to bring my GPA up to a 2.7... Just so you know that means you have to climb on hell of a mountain to overcome a  GPA like that!!!


I could blame many things on my losing my mind when out of the throngs of my parents. I could blame fact that my father had been a rage-aholic as I grew up and that he had beat the day lights out of me on a few occasions, or that as an obese child I had been bullied and made fun of my entire life, I could even try to blame it on my the fact that even with eliminating an abusive father our family was dysfunctional to a crazy level. the truth is that I chose to make poor decisions. I could say that the fact that I was depressed to point of suicide being a welcoming option aided in my lack of self control. I hated being me so much that I tried on several occasions to take my life while in high school. My parents only really knew about one. It was an over dose of pain medication. I became a christian my junior year of high school, but once I left my little town I drank like a fish and smoked like a train. At one point I was up to 3 packs of cigarettes a day. I couldn't sleep unless I had drank a minimum of four bears before bed. I might not have food in my fridge but I made certain that I had vodka and tequila in the cupboard.  I would do without anything but my smokes and liquor. I had always told myself growing up that I would save myself and that I would be on of the few who had achieved the virginal bride status. The truth was that no boy had ever shown me the time of day and I had never been put to the test until I had left home.  You meet many people in bars who don't care what you look like and are simply looking for the same thing you are...To not be alone. I will just leave that as it is. 


After walking the stage in the year 2000 and lacking 9 hours of Spanish from having a degree, I cold not figure out what the hell I would do. I had had a year long internship with the COG in East Texas, but had not been offered a full time position. I had no choice but to move back home. It was then that I was asked to go to South Korea and teach English. At first it was a nightmare, but then I began to find myself in the midst of a group of westerners that were all doing what I was doing. searching for, running from, and trying to define themselves.  After having been sober for a few years, the bottle was a welcomed friend when I found myself in a terrible school and no way home. I made good friends (Matty if you find this and read this PLEASE hear it for what it is....A way to freedom!!)  I can't remember months that I was there. I spent so much time time in the bar that a good portion of it is a blur. I once again found myself in a situation where I hated my situation, myself, and life in general. So much so that at one point i began to play with the idea of cutting my wrists. One evening I had drank just enough that that I went a little too far and actually cut deep enough the ample blood began to pour. My friend Tim had stopped by to check on me and found a mess that I can never apologize enough for. He called my sister and between the two of them devised a plan to get me over the hump.  I really do believe that had Tim not come in that night, the next night I would have had more than enough courage to really end it. I had felt the razor and I knew I could bare it. I knew that with just a little more whiskey...I could finally rest and not have to hate myself any more. 


A few months passed I began to feel better. I met a man who I am now married to and have three wonderful babies with, but the path was not without stones . Before Mick I went from man to man. Begging for them to love me and instead they got what they wanted. we had a good time, they had some free house keeping, and a decent cook. That is until some one else turned their heads and then they were off and I was left again feeling like I was being sucked into a black hole. After I met Mick on line something began to change in me. God began to change me and mold me. It was gradual and almost so slight of hand that I didn't even realize that it was happening.


When Dad got sick that all changed. In a moment I was changed completely. In just a moment everything that had been poured in me and over me came to the surface. I was not that same little girl always running from her past into another situation that would be another dreadful chapter of how not to live your life...I knew in moment who I was, what I was, where my worth came from.  I am a daughter of the King, I am  priest with all authority, my God is my worth ! To say that I don't still struggle daily with worth and self loathing would be a lie, but  I am quick to hear my Father remind me of what was and what now is. 


I share all this to say this....There is nothing in your past or present that He can not take and use to make your future. I know some are dealing with things that they can not possibly see how God or any one else could get past, but I am living proof that HE can and Will. 

Welcome Callan Joseph

Where Oh Where...

           When I was young I would be the first to try just about anything. In fact that got me in trouble a few times.  I have always had an adventurous spirit and wanted to try the thing that would make my skin tingle and give me that since of no control...Yes I will admit  that included recreational drugs and alcohol for a time of my life. While I was in Korea 1 years ago...A decade ago!!!!!!!! I really pushed it. I had been pushing it a while when I was in school, but in Korea I had nothing to lose. I was away from family, surrounded by others doing the same thing that I was, and every opportunity to do it. I know that many of the things that I did went completely against everything that I had been raised to believe. I definitely made some big mistakes in that part of of my life. What made me even think about this is music. I was listening to music from when I was in college and as always the stream of deep emotions and memories came back with every lyric.  It made me start thinking about that girl. what exactly happened to her? I mean I know I met a man, fell in love,and three babies later here we are, but what happened to that girl who was up for anything. I can remember a time when the guys could call me at 11:30 and as say that they were going out and had 15 minutes to get ready so that we cold hit the bar before 12:00 get the specials...

           I know that my priorities are different now. I mean I have a family, but never do I ever just think I'll drop everything and go to ....whatever.  Instead of bars now it would be coffee with the mommies on Thursdays, lunch with my friends at McDonald's, or simply reaching out to that doctors wife in line at the super Walmart that I really want to get to know but am too intimidated to do. How crazy that the girl that used try anything is now so easily intimidated. How does that intimidation effect the life path that I have chosen now? If I am honest with myself the answer is Hugely!!! I have allowed moments to pas without ever taking them captive. Things that I KNOW I should have said to people, but became so afraid about what that person might think about me, opportunities completely missed and actually avoided! 

              I share all of this because the last month I have had dire conviction about this and about the life that I have chosen. I have allowed myself to be happy sitting on the side lines of my life. Some how I went to sit down and forgot to get up and go back into the game. Because of that my passion and conviction have been compromised and I am constantly aware that I am not being all that I can. I don't want my children to think like I do. I want them all to know that they are only limited by themselves and that there is no limit to what they can do, where they can go, or who they can touch. That is why I CHOOSE to CHANGE!! 

I am taking back the ground that I have for too long allowed the enemy and others take from me. I can not control what others do but I can control what I chose to do. that means losing weight, getting in shape, and yes to prove to myself that I have truly made a change, I am working towards a Tough Mudder.