A Past to Define or to Make you

I recently began the steps to finishing my BA. As I thought about writing about that process I realized that there was more to the story than this scholastic process. I have never shared my testimony and I guess today is THE DAY....I attended Texas A&M for summer stint and thought that I would go back to actually attend full time. That was not in the cards. I instead attended a local junior college, then Hardin-Simmons University, then LeTourneau University. I loved LeTourneau! i loved it a little too much.... I hooked up with way too many people who I thought were the absolute bomb and partied my little life away. I was asked to leave LeTourneau when my GPA turned a staggering 0.069....YES you did read that right.  I was out of school  2 months shy of  2 years. I partied like a rock star made mindbogglingly poor decisions and then one day God shook me pretty good and said ENOUGH!!! I went back and struggled to bring my GPA up to a 2.7... Just so you know that means you have to climb on hell of a mountain to overcome a  GPA like that!!!


I could blame many things on my losing my mind when out of the throngs of my parents. I could blame fact that my father had been a rage-aholic as I grew up and that he had beat the day lights out of me on a few occasions, or that as an obese child I had been bullied and made fun of my entire life, I could even try to blame it on my the fact that even with eliminating an abusive father our family was dysfunctional to a crazy level. the truth is that I chose to make poor decisions. I could say that the fact that I was depressed to point of suicide being a welcoming option aided in my lack of self control. I hated being me so much that I tried on several occasions to take my life while in high school. My parents only really knew about one. It was an over dose of pain medication. I became a christian my junior year of high school, but once I left my little town I drank like a fish and smoked like a train. At one point I was up to 3 packs of cigarettes a day. I couldn't sleep unless I had drank a minimum of four bears before bed. I might not have food in my fridge but I made certain that I had vodka and tequila in the cupboard.  I would do without anything but my smokes and liquor. I had always told myself growing up that I would save myself and that I would be on of the few who had achieved the virginal bride status. The truth was that no boy had ever shown me the time of day and I had never been put to the test until I had left home.  You meet many people in bars who don't care what you look like and are simply looking for the same thing you are...To not be alone. I will just leave that as it is. 


After walking the stage in the year 2000 and lacking 9 hours of Spanish from having a degree, I cold not figure out what the hell I would do. I had had a year long internship with the COG in East Texas, but had not been offered a full time position. I had no choice but to move back home. It was then that I was asked to go to South Korea and teach English. At first it was a nightmare, but then I began to find myself in the midst of a group of westerners that were all doing what I was doing. searching for, running from, and trying to define themselves.  After having been sober for a few years, the bottle was a welcomed friend when I found myself in a terrible school and no way home. I made good friends (Matty if you find this and read this PLEASE hear it for what it is....A way to freedom!!)  I can't remember months that I was there. I spent so much time time in the bar that a good portion of it is a blur. I once again found myself in a situation where I hated my situation, myself, and life in general. So much so that at one point i began to play with the idea of cutting my wrists. One evening I had drank just enough that that I went a little too far and actually cut deep enough the ample blood began to pour. My friend Tim had stopped by to check on me and found a mess that I can never apologize enough for. He called my sister and between the two of them devised a plan to get me over the hump.  I really do believe that had Tim not come in that night, the next night I would have had more than enough courage to really end it. I had felt the razor and I knew I could bare it. I knew that with just a little more whiskey...I could finally rest and not have to hate myself any more. 


A few months passed I began to feel better. I met a man who I am now married to and have three wonderful babies with, but the path was not without stones . Before Mick I went from man to man. Begging for them to love me and instead they got what they wanted. we had a good time, they had some free house keeping, and a decent cook. That is until some one else turned their heads and then they were off and I was left again feeling like I was being sucked into a black hole. After I met Mick on line something began to change in me. God began to change me and mold me. It was gradual and almost so slight of hand that I didn't even realize that it was happening.


When Dad got sick that all changed. In a moment I was changed completely. In just a moment everything that had been poured in me and over me came to the surface. I was not that same little girl always running from her past into another situation that would be another dreadful chapter of how not to live your life...I knew in moment who I was, what I was, where my worth came from.  I am a daughter of the King, I am  priest with all authority, my God is my worth ! To say that I don't still struggle daily with worth and self loathing would be a lie, but  I am quick to hear my Father remind me of what was and what now is. 


I share all this to say this....There is nothing in your past or present that He can not take and use to make your future. I know some are dealing with things that they can not possibly see how God or any one else could get past, but I am living proof that HE can and Will.